How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
