She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
