I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
