I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
