your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
