did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
