I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
