Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
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