I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
