She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
