my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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