Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
