If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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