you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
