I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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