Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
