11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
