So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
