I could make wine with my vomit
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
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Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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