my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
