I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
