Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
