I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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