Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
