Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
