There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
