Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
