hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i drank out of a bidet.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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