she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
