Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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