If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
