Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have surprise drugs for everyone
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
