I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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