i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
