some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
