I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
