her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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