when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
