why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
