Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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