I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
