Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
