tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
