that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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