Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
