I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
