I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
