I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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