the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
