i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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