jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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