omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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