I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
