my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
