i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
