Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
